Courage

Dear friends, 

For several days now, I've been mustering my courage and my words in order to say something. The thoughts and phrases and sentences have been marinating; gathered up and seasoned but in no order and having no organization. There has been no outline. I'll be honest, friends, it is the waiting for the outline, waiting for the clarity... that has been the bain of my writer's existence. The kryptonite to my creativity. 

I still have no outline. 
But I'm ready to say something. 

What it comes down to is this: 
It takes great courage to walk out into this world. 

It takes great courage to expose ourselves to the eyes and criticism of others, to get dressed and walk around and look like we dared to try, to parent in public, to smile at people, to be vulnerable, to drive a car, to go on a hike, to write, to love... 

This morning, at pre-school drop-off, I witnessed a "moment", if you will. One mom was walking towards the door from the east side of the parking lot while another mom was walking towards the door from the west side of the parking lot. They were walking towards each other, you see, and were about equidistant from the doors, therefore having plenty of time to see each other. I noticed the mom in high-heels first. Most of the mothers I see dropping their kids off at pre-school are in workout attire or yoga pants (#momlife) so, of course, this woman stuck out to me. Her dress was lovely and tasteful with lacey horizontal stripes over a simple black sheath. Her blonde hair was fabulous, obviously having been worked on that morning. She had on a full face of make-up and her high heels were the perfect compliment to her dress. She was smiling, bouncing; radiant, really. It made me smile just to look at her. And her kiddo was cute too. Also smiling. Holding her hand. 

And then I noticed the second mom. She was wearing pj-type pants but not the "I'm wearing pj pants on purpose" kind of thing... more like sweatpants, I guess, with an unflattering t-shirt. Her hair was disheveled and half up and she was wearing no make-up from what I could tell. She was carrying a baby - about 8 months old, maybe? And her toddler was slowly bringing up the rear dragging his back-pack behind him. Neither of the three of them were smiling. At first, her expression was sort of empty; tired and seeming to be focused on simply putting one foot in front of the other. 

But then, I watched as she noticed the high-heeled mom. 
And I saw her entire expression change.
I witnessed what almost looked like an intake of breath, just a quick one. 
And then her head dropped. Her shoulders stooped. She slowed her gait. 
I saw her, in an instant, try to hide. 

I obviously don't know exactly what was going on in her mind, friends, but I don't believe I'm off base to say that I watched embarrassment and insecurity take over, literally causing a physical reaction; the stooping of the shoulders, the slowing of the steps. 

And I wanted to stop my car and pull over and hug her. I wanted to take her hand in one of my hands and take the high-heeled mama's hand in the other of my hands and have them talk together there on the steps of the pre-school. I know, without a doubt, that they would have found something to laugh about together or something to learn from each other. 

...

I didn't look back at the high-heeled mom in time to see whether she noticed the sweatpants mom but, oh, how I hope she did. Oh, how I hope she looked up, noticed a fellow warrior and smiled a smile that communicated something like "Hi friend. You're beautiful. You're a champion. You're on time. You're making it. You're strong!" And then, that the sweatpants mom smiled back, saying "Hi friend. You're beautiful. You're a champion. You're on time. You're making it. You're strong!"

I hope that moment came after the moment that I witnessed. Because what I saw in the sweatpants mom's eyes broke my heart. Today, high-heeled mom was the one who looked like she had it together. Tomorrow, sweatpants mom might be the one who found the time to dress up her business and put on her make-up but the bottom line is this: No matter what we put on, no matter how we try to cover up or dress up or show out, it takes great courage to walk out into this world. It takes great courage to expose ourselves to other's eyes and perceptions and words. 

So, let's make a deal. My part is this: when I see you, fellow warrior, I will SMILE the SMILE that says "Hi friend. You're beautiful. You're a champion. You're on time. You're making it. You're strong!" and, when you hear that in my smile, your part is to believe me. 

It will take a little courage, dear ones, but it will be worth it. 

Love,
Chels

I learned something about running.

Did I tell you that I've started running again? 

This time, I believe it will stick.

No, I'm not being chased. No, I'm not doing the chasing. I'm simply strapping on my shiny, cushy, colorful running shoes, plugging in my ear phones and pounding the pavement. So far (and I never believed this was possible), I have genuinely LOVED it. 

Reasons to love running at this stage of my life:

I get to be alone. 

I get to listen to music. MY OWN music. Not the Frozen soundtrack, for goodness gracious' sake. 

I get to go at my own pace. No slowing down for anybody. No racing to catch up. 

I take big, deep breaths of oxygen. 

Did I mention I get to be alone?

I get to push myself farther than I think possible.

It burns calories and makes me stronger. 

It's my own thing and whatever consequences that come from my decisions in those moments are my consequences. * Let me stop right there and unpack that thought. Do you know what I mean by this? Mamas, are you with me? All day long, all the decisions that I make are made with 3 other people in mind. What I do is unequivocally and irrevocably intertwined with the lives of the 3 other people I live with, nay... am responsible for... Yes, you're right. If I were to step out in front of a truck while I'm running, their lives would be affected but what I mean is that I choose which path I run, simply because I want to go that way. I decide if I slow down or speed up. I think about what I want to think about. Even my thoughts can be my own while I run. Mamas of littles, you know that throughout the day, your thoughts are seldom your own. People who work in offices with other people, you know your thoughts are seldom your own. Getting out on the open trail gives me space for my thoughts. 

(Big sigh.) Yes. That. Space for my thoughts.

Last night, however, I was miserable. 

Last night, as I ran, these were my thoughts:

It's too hot to run. 

Running is stupid.
My socks are too thin.

My shorts are too short. 

I'm inhaling bugs. 

I can't breathe.

Why am I so slow?

I have bugs in my teeth.

I hate running. 

I'm never running again. 

Running is the DUMBEST. 

Eesh. 

And yet, I finished. I didn't quit or slow down. In fact, I chalked up my fastest pace yet. Even carrying the weight of such negative, ugly thoughts, when it was over, my friends, it was over. I was home. I was stretching. I was getting some ice water. I was in the shower. I was snuggling on the couch with Trev. 

So, see? I learned something about running. 

Even when you hate every moment and you're absolutely miserable, if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will eventually be finished. The miles will be completed. The calories will be burned. 

So. 

Let's keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are good things ahead. The hard part won't last forever. There is ice water and a shower waiting for you at the end. 

The People Gotta Eat

Something has happened. 

Something has happened that I never would have expected in a MILLION YEARS. 
Ya'll think I'm being dramatic but my level of surprise is completely appropriate given the thing that JUST HAPPENED. 

Someone... A real, live person who's opinion I greatly value has asked me... (ME, I tell you!)... for cooking and meal planning advice. No, seriously, this actually happened. Get up off that floor and keep reading. This is REAL LIFE.

And... as shocked as you all are, it turns out that I actually have some to give. They say that "necessity is the mother of invention" and I totally agree. I've never been naturally inclined towards cooking and I've certainly never been one to emulate in regards to meal planning. However, the people gotta eat so somebody's gotta cook. As I mention below in my email to my friend, we Chapmans believe that variety (when it comes to food at least!) is overrated. We've found a few things that work and we just keep eating them. Over and over and over again. We aren't re-inventing the wheel but we're eating good, whole food (with lots of butter) and we feel energized and strong! 

I'll share with you what I shared with my buddy. Enjoy!

Okay, sister, here are the 5 meals that (no joke!) we have literally eaten every week for the last month. Trevor values routine and consistency over variety so this works for us. AND I love these meals because they are easy to prepare, relatively inexpensive to make, easy to clean up and feasible for me when it comes to calorie counting!! 

1). Whole Foods tortilla soup (large - $8.99) and a loaf of everyday bread baked fresh in the bakery ($1.29). 

I straight up throw that soup in a pot on the stove as soon as I hear the garage door going up (signaling that Trevor is home) and, by the time he has changed into comfy clothes, it's piping hot. I toast and butter several slices of the bread and everyone's tummy is HAPPY. I serve Laila mostly the big chunks of chicken and it is absolutely her favorite meal. If you're concerned about offering veggies with every meal, cut up some raw ones and put them on the side! That soup is 100 calories per cup. I mean, mmm... perfection. 

2). A little dish I like to call Healthy Rotisserie Chicken Stir Fry

Ingredients: 

Rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods ($8.99 again - preferably the "tequila lime" variety)

Red pepper, sliced

Yellow onion, sliced

Butter

1/4 cup of half and half

Broccoli, cut into florets

Whatever yummy spices you like. (I LOVE McCormick's roasted garlic and herb spice!)

Brown Rice

I start the brown rice in a pot. Follow the instructions on the package EXACTLY. I used to make horrible rice until someone said to me "Follow the instructions on the package exactly, silly girl" and now that I do that, the rice is always delish. 

Throw some butter in a large, somewhat deep pan. Sautee the onions. Once the onions are close to tender, throw in the sliced red pepper, sprinkle some garlicky spices. Generously. Let it sit on medium heat and stir it a time or two. 

Roast the broccoli: Preheat the oven to 400. Line a baking sheet with foil (easy clean up, see??) Drizzle with olive oil, throw the brocs on the pan, massage them around a little in the oil, drizzle a little more on top, sprinkle with garlicky spice and/or salt and peppa... Pop those babies in. I usually cook them about 20-25 minutes. 

~ Okay, when I get home from the store, after I put the groceries away, I always immediately de-bone the rotisserie chicken and put it in a glass pyrex. That way, I have the chicken ready for this meal as well as for feeding to the babe and using for sandwiches, wraps, etc for lunch throughout the week! It's always better to de-bone right away, rather than refrigerate and THEN de-bone because the chicken comes off the bone better when its warm. ~

So take a couple cups of that cut up rotisserie chicken and throw it in the pan with the onions, red pepper and butter. Feel free to add more butter if the veggies look dry. Melissa and Joseph say butter is healthy so, yeah, let's go with that! Add a quarter cup of half and half and stir it all together! Add more spices if you want! Go crazy! Stir it all up and taste it. See what it needs. More salt? More garlic? More butter? Anything! Do it!

When the broccoli is done, throw it into the pan too and stir it around a bit in the sauce... Now, you should have a chicken-y, vegetable-y, garlic-y, creamy creation to serve on a bed of brown rice. 

Voila! 

3). Baked Chicken with Roasted Broccoli and Brown Rice 

Understand that Trevor isn't really into any other cooked green veggies besides broccoli and green beans so we eat a lot of roasted broccoli. You could substitute any veggies that you like and roast them the very same way that I do the brocs. I often do half broccoli and half sweet potato in the pan because I LOVE sweet potato. In that case, (for the sake of calories) I just don't eat the rice. 

Okay, so make the rice and roast the broccoli (or whatever veggies) like I described above.

For the chicken, I buy the ginger soy marinated breasts at Whole Foods. Preheat the oven to 425. Line a baking dish with foil and spray with olive oil spray (or whatever oil spray you have). Line up the chicken breasts on the foil and season with whatever you like! Again, I use McCormick's roasted garlic and herb seasoning for EVERYTHING. Cut little squares of butter and put one or two on each chicken breast. Seriously, chicken is nothing without butter. This is what I've discovered. And it has revolutionized my life. 

Pop those chicks in uncovered. After 12 minutes, turn them over, season the underside and pop them in again for another 12. They will come out perfectly juicy and amazing. Seriously, I never knew how to bake chicken until I googled "How to Bake Juicy Chicken Breasts" and then I did exactly what the genius article told me. 

After the second 12 minutes, pull them out and loosely cover with some more foil... I don't know why and I don't know what happens under that foil. I simply do what I'm told. 

When your three items are ready, serve the chicken on the rice with the veggie on the side! This completely satisfies the Chapman family but, if you want to serve a salad or some bread with it, do it! 

4). Baked Salmon with (you guessed it!) Roasted Broccoli and Brown Rice

Seriously, you would think that we would be so tired of roasted broccoli and brown rice but we're not! Go figure! You could substitute quinoa or couscous for a healthy grain. I probably will eventually but, for now, as we value routine and consistency over variety, I'm sticking with the brown rice! 

For the salmon, preheat the oven to 375. Line a baking sheet with foil. (We should probably buy some stock in aluminum foil)... :) Spray the foil with cooking oil, place your salmon skin down on the foil. Cut a lemon and squeeze it over the salmon. Be generous. I usually use about half a lemon for two portions of salmon. (Laila will eat a bite or two of salmon but I usually give her leftovers of the baked chicken we had the night before!) Season with salt and pepper... THEN, (here's the secret ingredient), grab a pickle jar out of your fridge and spoon pickle juice over the salmon. I don't know why but there's something about the pickle juice that mellows out the fish flavor and makes it DELISH. Be generous with the pickle juice. Cut two little slivers of lemon and place one on top of each salmon portion. This makes it pretty. That is the only reason I do it. Grab yet another piece of foil and place it over the salmon portions, folding the sides with the foil that is under the salmon thereby creating a foil pouch. Make sure all 4 sides are sealed. 

Cook for 35 minutes. It will be perfect! It will stink up your house! But it will be yummy and you will get the benefit of some of that awesome omega 3! Bonus! 

5). Yup. Good ole Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. 

No broccoli or brown rice here! This is my Friday night go-to (if we don't get Friday Night $5 smoothies at Smoothie King)... easy peasy. I won't insult your intelligence. I know you know how to make spaghetti and meat sauce. Just know that I always buy my ground beef from WF and I use the WF tomato basil spaghetti sauce! 

Okay, so I buy all of the ingredients for all of these meals plus a few things like, yogurt, veggie chips and hummus, fruits and extra red pepper (for snacking on) at Whole Foods every week for around $75!

Love, 

Chels 

So, there you have it. 
And please remember, as my dear Momo would say, "It's not a rut. It's a routine!" 
xoxo

Dear friends, 

From the bottom of my heart, Happy Mother's Day to each of you!

This morning, at church, we dedicated 4 babies to Jesus. When we say "dedicate", we mean that we introduce them to the church family, welcome them as new members, pray that they will grow in godly wisdom and strength, pray for their parents and family members and, as a church, agree to stay in prayer for the children as well as help the parents as they embark on the exciting and treacherous adventure of parenthood. 

You and I know the excitement and the treachery of parenting well, don't we? 

As we prayed for the children and the families, God spoke clearly to me and I know He wanted me to share it with you. 

Conceiving our children was an incredible act of co-labor with Jesus. Yes, each of us chose in that moment to share intimacy with our husbands, thereby planting the seed of life within our bodies. But it was God, in His infinite creativity and wisdom, who made our bodies to do the amazing work of receiving the seed, becoming one with it, and enveloping that tiny fertilized egg into the perfectly prepared warmth and protection of our wombs. Each of us, in partnership with our husbands and our God, created their tiny lives within us. It was a miraculous act of co-labor with our Creator. 

When we gave birth to these tiny creatures, we also co-labored with God. Our incredible bodies, designed with absolute perfection and intricacy, did the work of pushing, crying, bleeding and, ultimately, giving birth. If you gave birth via c-section, you, my sister, did all of that PLUS the work of yielding to the knife. You trusted God in the midst of a situation that perhaps you didn't expect or desire. All of us, no matter the circumstances, gave to our children the GIFT of birth. By designing our bodies so perfectly, God co-labored with us in that valiant act.

And, if your dear one is adopted, then you know even MORE intimately about co-creation. The One who created you to be a mother moved on the heart of a brave and beautiful woman who courageously chose to place her baby in an adoptive home. The One who created you to be a mother knew from the beginning of time how you would labor in prayer and how He would move on your behalf, bringing you the baby He created for you. 

IF He was so gracious to co-labor with us in creating these tiny people, so gracious in bringing them forth to take their first breaths and in entrusting them to our eager arms, will He not also co-labor with us as we parent them? As we seek to train them, teach them, guide them, shepherd them? He will. He does. 

Here's what I felt so strongly led to tell you. God is with you, my friends. God is WITH YOU. In the depths of the night, as you feed your baby or you check on those toddlers or you sleep, dreaming of the futures they will have; as you wrestle with the seemingly endless decisions of parenting, as you "discuss" with your husbands the various ways to deal with those sweet children's fallenness (read: disobedience and rebellion), as you apologize, forgive, cry, kiss, snuggle...

GOD 

IS 

WITH 

YOU. 

He will not leave you alone in this journey. In fact, He is deeply invested in the process with you. He has put His very life into your children and He will make all things beautiful in His time. He will bring to completion the good purposes He has designed for them and for you. You are not alone. 

Also, and finally, I felt led to share Galatians 6:9 with you. "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season, we shall reap if we do not lose heart." NKJV

Some versions say "if we do not give up" but, for our purposes, I love the NKJV because, lets be honest, we can't give up. In this act of motherhood, we don't have the choice of giving up. Our children are good little mammals. If we don't feed them, they will scream for nourishment. If we don't change their diapers, they will stink to high heaven. If we don't snuggle them, our own bodies will groan in protest. Giving up is not an option. I fear that for many of us, "losing heart" is by far the greater danger. Losing passion, losing compassion, losing our sense of purpose, losing sight of our mission... Dear ones, let's not lose heart. Let's lean into His help and lean on to each other. Just as the lionesses are created to hunt in packs, we are meant to mother in community. If you feel you are close to losing heart or if you are weary, reach out. 

God has given us to each other as a precious gift. 

I am here for you. 

And the promise is that we shall reap! We SHALL reap! We are sowing tenderness and we will reap tender-hearted children. We are sowing faith and we will reap children who overcome fear. We are sowing joy. We will reap children who will be able to face the trials of life with hope. We are sowing love for God and love for people and your work will not be in vain! I believe that wholeheartedly. However long it takes, we will reap. 

I love each of you and am so thankful God called us to be together. As we've said from Day 1 in this playgroup "We're in this together!" 

Happy Mother's Day! 

Love,

Chels

The Opposite of Lonely

I'm not sure there is a word for the opposite of lonely. If there is one, I have certainly never had an occasion to use it. Because (insert party dance here), I am an EXTROVERT. Full on, with no apologies. Or at least I used to be. Or at least I thought I was.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I "am" anymore...

Except that, right now, I AM completely and totally the opposite of lonely.

I write this blog (and shamelessly plug it on my facebook page) with absolute respect for my dear friends who are struggling with loneliness. For the ones who are ready for love and haven't found it yet. For the ones who are desperately trying to have a baby and are struggling with infertility. For the ones (and it hurts just to type this) who have even lost a child or a spouse.
I love you and I hurt for your loneliness. I am full of sympathy, dear one. I assure you.

That said, please allow me the pleasure of sharing a list of things I would do if I could ever get a flipping day to myself.

If I could have 24 hours alone, I would:

1). Sleep. Oh sweet baby Jesus in the manger, I would sleep. And SLEEP IN. Like, past when the sun wakes up. Oh yes. That.

2). Sit outside by a pool, turn my face to the sun and just BASK.

3). Listen to the sound of whatever not listening to the sounds of my children sounds like.

4). Watch a super SUPER girly movie. Or Bridesmaids. And laugh at all the naughty parts that I "shouldn't" laugh at. (Sorry, family. Honesty.)

5).  Eat a zero calorie blueberry donut. No, SAVOR a zero calorie blueberry donut. As in, eat tiny little bites one at a time in no rush. (Note: zero calorie blueberry donuts don't exist but this is my fantasy so I'm allowed.)

6). Drink my coffee in that beautiful and perfect window of time where it is neither too hot nor too cold. I haven't experienced that window in AT LEAST 6 months.

7). Take a bath without listening for the sounds mentioned in #3.

8). Eat a meal I don't have to share.

9). Vacuum my floors. Sound strange? Laila HATES the sound of the vacuum and, because I like to be sensitive to her, I don't vacuum nearly as often as I should. Yes, I know. I should not allow my child to dictate when and how I clean my house... blah blah blah.You know what else?? For that glorious 24 hours, I wouldn't have to think for ONE SECOND about what people think of my parenting choices, for goodness sake!!

10). I would write the children's book that has been floating around in my head for 4 months.

If, right now, you're thinking "Chels, you have to time to write this blog... Go do some of what you've just mentioned rather than sit there typing!" Oh, my friend, I'm writing this while Laila pulls on my arms, puts her head in my lap and asks me for more cranberry juice. With Mickey Mouse Clubhouse singing it's happy tune in the background.

I'm telling you, people. I am NEVER. ALONE.

Now, sit tight while I go refill someone's cranberry juice.

I'm back!

And then... (big sigh), I'm driving down I-75 and I see the billboards for the fertility clinic that say things like "Want to change your name to Mom?" or show a positive pregnancy test with text that says "Still waiting?" and I remember how easily Trevor and I were able to get pregnant. Or I hear of a child struggling with cancer and see a picture of her mom and dad, smiling, by her hospital bed and I realize, with joy and utter amazement, that our children are healthy and strong. Or a Dallas fireman dies trying to help stranded and injured motorists in a sudden ice storm Monday evening and I think "God, I would die if anything happened to Trevor..." and, all of a sudden, being alone doesn't sound all that wonderful.

"Perspective" reminds me that these years are short. These years are SO SHORT. I see the way grandmothers look at me in the grocery store; a mix of amusement, nostalgia and maybe even a bit of envy on their faces and I know that there will come a time when I am alone much more often than I am now.

Last night, while the 4 of us were reading bedtime stories, Laila looked at Trevor and I and asked "When I'm all grown up, will ya'll miss the little Laila?" It was such a sweet and poignant question and Trevor answered it so beautifully... while I tried to hide the tears that ran down my cheeks despite my best efforts to hold them back.

Right now, I choose to take the opportunities I have when I have them. I'll catch a bath during naptime. I'll turn my face to the sun and close my eyes for, like, 45 seconds at the playground while Laila plays. I'll drink lukewarm or too hot coffee.

Gratefully, and with a full heart, I'll listen to the sounds of my children.

Because it won't be long now before listening to the sounds of my children is no longer an option.
So, play on, little ones. Mommy is listening.

Some Whining. And a Thank You. But kind of a lot of Whining.

Three out of four of us, down for the count!

Yep, my friends, sickness has come to the Chapman household. Despite all of my efforts, included but not limited to: stripping my child down first thing when she gets home from school, slathering ourselves with essential oils and generally keeping a reasonably sanitary environment, Trevor, Laila and I have all been sick this week. Lydia Kate... 

Oh, you didn't know about her, blog world?... Eh... What's that you say? That I haven't updated you since April of LAST YEAR? Well. I've resolved not to blog about not blogging so let's just change the subject, whydontwe??

Ahem. As I was saying.

Lydia Kate, our precious little 6 month old darling, is the only one of us who has been spared. Let's hope that continues to be the case. We'd hate to see this little face without her usual smile. 

So, the thing about being a mom is... There are no sick days. No calling in sick, no punching out, no rest for the weary. Yesterday, I literally felt like the walking dead, with walking pneumonia or walking flu or walking strep throat but, you get the idea... walking. When you're a mama, you just have to trudge on. The reality is that, when the baby wakes up (however old she is), you are compelled to respond to that call. It is really wonderful that God created mothers to be that way. It is a precious and exhausting, wonderful symptom of bearing a child. And what is also true... and scary... is that I'll never stop being a mom. I'll never stop responding. Thankfully, I have wonderful and amazing examples of this in my own parents. Yesterday, my mom and I had the following text interaction:

Mommy: "What are you doing for your symptoms?"

Me: "Oils, cough drops, water, tears of desperation..." 

And, less than an hour later, my Dad shows up at my doorstep with immune boosting supplements, ready and willing to give me a break so that I could get a hot bath and a nap. 

And then, last night, my darling husband let me sleep in the guest bed; that glorious, white, snuggly, soft haven of yummy (where the children can't find me and where I can't hear them) so that I could actually get some sleep while he did the dirty work. 

Usually, I'm the Doer of the Dirty Work. I mean, I'm pretty good at it. I'm shameless when it comes to asking for a deal, a discount, a refund... and, when it comes to sleep deprivation, I seem to be able to tolerate it pretty well. But, last night, Trev took over in that department. I'm so blessed. And, today, he will come home to a "thank you" love note and a package of these goodies: 

So, all in all, I guess my point is that there is no rest for the weary Mama. Unless you have a Nonna, a Papa Bear and a husband as awesome as mine. To those precious 3, this tired Mama says "Thanks a bunch. I love you. Now pass over those Oreos." 

P.S. Dear reader, I truly do apologize for leaving you out of the loop. To make up for it, here is a picture of us when Lydia was about 10 days old. Now you can forgive me. Enjoy!

An extra long status update.

Ok, friends, I don't do this very often but get ready. I'm 'bout to preach.

Laila and I were driving in the car this morning and Christina Perri's song "A Thousand Years" came on. I was looking at her in the rear view mirror as I was singing and was completely overwhelmed by how much I love my daughter.

And then, like a ton of bricks, I felt the weight of God's love for you and for me, His precious children. If I, being base and evil, can love my child so much, how MUCH MORE does God, your Creator, love and adore you? Don't read this like a devotional. Please hear the heart of God towards you! No matter who you are, what you've done, what you even believe about God, He loves you desperately and has for more than a thousand years. No matter how you respond to Him, He'll still love you for a thousand more. He is waiting for you with bated breath. He is desperate to be close to you. And if anyone has told you otherwise about who God is, that person is a liar. God IS love. And His heart towards you is absolute and perfect LOVE. Hear Him sing: "I have died every day waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."


I posted what you just read on facebook this morning because I felt absolutely compelled to do so. I cried as my little thumbs furiously typed it out. So many of us have heard it so many times "God loves you."
"God loves the world."
"For God so loved the world..."

I'm afraid that we have lost sight of the absolutely radical truth that is conveyed in those 3 words. God has no reason to love us, friends!
We mock Him.
We ignore Him.
We cry out to Him. He's faithful and then we, in our arrogance, pat our own backs because we somehow give ourselves credit for getting ourselves out of the mess we got into, forgetting all along that HE saved US.
We disobey when we know better. Over. And over. And over. 

And, yet, His heart abounds in love toward us. He is desperate for our nearness.
He longs for our embrace.

All of this should be absolutely mind-blowing. All of this should cause us to fall on our faces in thankfulness. And yet so few do.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot (A LOT) about how love and obedience interact, friends, because I have been privy to a ton of disobedience lately. (Big sigh.) From Laila. Ugh. Remember when she was tiny and she had that little biting issue? I got on here and I blogged about it all cute and funny and we had a good laugh... Ya'll, I can't even joke about this right now because it just plain hurts. Her disobedience and her failure to change her behavior hurt me SO MUCH. Not because I need the ego boost of having a child who obeys. Not because our lives are just more fun when she obeys (although boy is that true). Not just because I want people to see "what a good job I've done raising such an obedient little girl" but because I see her disobedience as a symbol of her distrust. Because it feels like somewhat of a betrayal. Because I want her to obey BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME.

Okay, so, taking a step back, she's about to be 3 in May. I know in my head that she isn't actually disobeying because she doesn't love me. I know that she loves me. What other choice does she have? At this point, Trevor and I are all she knows of love. And we are affectionate, generous and kind parents (look how well I'm doing overcoming that pesky Mommy Guilt :)). She is disobeying because her little brain is processing adult level doses of estrogen, she's working out the full development of her frontal cortex and she's trying to figure out how the heck she's supposed to exist in this big crazy world. I get that. I really do.

But, boy, has it opened my eyes to what God, my Father, must feel when I disregard His loving commands, His invitations to intimacy, the safety and security of the boundaries that He's put in place for me.

And, as a parent, I'm starting to understand those boundaries on a whole new level. Laila got a spanking (Yes. YES. I spank my kid, ok? Walk a mile in my moccassins, buddy, and then, if you want to judge me, we'll talk) for running away from me at the park, dangerously close to the street, and not stopping when I yelled "STOP!" I punished her for disobeying because I desperately want to save her from getting HIT BY A (bleepity bleep) TRUCK. You know?!

It's just like how God commanded us not to fornicate. (Hey. Hi. How about I step on some toes?!) See, He created us and therefore knows intimately how our bodies, emotions and brain chemistry work. He knows that casual sex will lead to pain, loneliness, heartache, essentially feeling like we've been HIT BY A TRUCK.

He isn't out to squelch our fun.
He's out to keep our heats in tact.
He's out to give us abundant life.
He's out to overwhelm us with the good and beautiful and lovely things that HE CREATED FOR US TO ENJOY, unhindered by the bondage that comes from sin.

I could scream right now it feels so darn good to SAY ALL OF THIS.
I'm never controversial here. I'm never political or super spiritual. I'm usually real chill.
But, dangit, people, I've got a fire shut up in my bones about the love of God.

HE LOVES YOU.
HE loves YOU.
He loves you.

I pray that He shows you that love in a way that knocks your socks off today.
And unties your tongue.
And makes you free.