Just a few pictures!

The Golden Family, minus Stella. 

 

The Golden Children, minus Stella.

Somebody's back, Madeline Gifford, Micah Moore and Laila Grace.

 More to come! 

Raisin' Those Funds, ya'll!

As my sweet mom said, words are simply inadequate to express our gratitude for the extravagant generosity, support and good old-fashioned LOVE that you, our friends and family, have poured out on us in the last 3 weeks. The fundraiser on Friday night couldn't have been more perfect. You packed the room, you brought your encouragement and joy to share with my parents... and you also brought your checkbooks! With the online contributions and what was given Friday night, we more than reached our goal of $10,000! All we can say is, thank you! We want to specifically thank our sponsors again and make sure you know how to find them if you'd like to take advantage of their services.

Thank you, Chris Gifford of The Brown Lab, for designing our online invitation!
www.thebrownlab.com

HJ Temple, the cupcakes were divine, especially the Dreamsicles! Thank you!
www.mydaisycatering.com

Thank you, Emmanuel vanHulst for working hard all night, taking photos so that we could document the incredible evening for my parents!
Search Emmanuel vanHulst photography on facebook.

And, finally, our heartfelt and talented musicians, The Ascenders with Mr. Carter Davis and Brooke Wesson. Thank you!
http://www.myspace.com/theascenders

My parents got settled in yesterday afternoon in their condo in Miami and will start pre-op appointments this morning. Surgery is this Wednesday, February 6 at 7:30am and we will keep you updated.

Thank you for your prayers! We love you!

Photos of the magical evening to follow!

Mommy Guilt, y'all. Just sit right down and let's talk about it.

So, here at Paisley Leather, we've already talked about Mommy Judging. If you missed that post, scan your eyes to the right and take a moment to read my Open Apology, where I confessed myself to be the chief of sinners in the area of Mommy Judging. Mea culpa. Mea culpa.

Today, I feel compelled to write about Mommy Guilt. If you're a mom, you're probably feeling that little lump form at the base of your throat as you read those words, the one that you have to swallow, like, a million times in order to make it go away. You are feeling that pesky airway blocking lump because you know exactly what I'm talking about. Just like Mommy Judging, we've all been guilty of Mommy Guilt. Oh sheesh, now we feel guilty about feeling guilty! Where will it end?!

Mommy Guilt begins before our babies even enter the world. Take, for example, the very dream I had just last night. In my dream, the baby I am carrying now (who we lovingly refer to as Baby Chapman #2 but who my dad lovingly refers to as "Laila's little brother") had to be taken from my womb early because of 1). Autism and 2). A complication with the baby's collarbone. You see how medical I am, my friends. My cute little subconscious can't come up with anything any better than that. So, in the dream, the baby was born very early, was very small and we weren't sure if she (Daddy, in the dream, the baby was a girl!) was going to make it. After having a c-section to remove her and seeing that she was being cared for by the doctors and nurses, I took a city bus (what?!) to Trev's office (which was more like Rockefeller Center) where I told him what had happened. He promptly became a version of himself that he could never possibly be as he passionately and heartlessly yelled at me (in the middle of a conference room full of people) for damaging our child by drinking one caffeinated beverage every couple of days and missing a couple days of prenatal vitamins, blaming me entirely and threatening to leave me because of my obvious unreliability and flightiness.

What?!

My friends, last night, Mommy Guilt took over my sub-conscious, villainized my husband, highlighted my deepest fears about who I might actually be (unreliable, untrustworthy) and caused me to lose precious precious sleep that I need so that I can actually engage with my 2 year old in order to not feel guilty about making her play by herself all day!! You see the ridiculousness (Made up word. Allowed.) of this, dear reader? All because I had an iced grande (easy ice) soy chai a couple days ago and missed my prenatal vitamins twice this week.

And may I venture to say that even if I was the most perfect pregnant mom, who always took my prenatals, drank 250 ounces of water every day, had spinach with every meal and overcame pregnancy fatigue with the vigor and might of Superwoman, I would probably STILL struggle with some level of Mommy Guilt? For some reason, none of us are off the hook. No matter how perfect we are. And I know who reads this blog. All of you are darn fine mamas who give sacrificially of yourselves every day; loving, hugging, repenting, playing, tucking in, zipping up, welcoming in, giving OUT... None of you should feel the things that we feel.

Why, God, why?!

Well, for me, (confession time again), I think it's a trust issue with the Lord. I can admit that. It's kind of like a reverse pride. Like, "I'm so important, my job is so big, I have to be perfect, it's all on me" kind of mentality which Jesus never expected us to bear. Which, in all actuality, is probably offensive to Him. Is our job HUGE? Are we extremely important? Crucial, even, to the development of these precious little hearts? Absolutely. But God, in His grace and mercy, would never call us to such a monumental position and then not walk in it with us through every step.

And He doesn't trudge through with us out of duty or responsibility.

I believe God, our Father, delights in sharing parenthood with us! His heart is for co-creation, my friends. Did He not work WITH our bodies? Literally co-creating with Trevor and I to form this little being? To form Laila Grace with her one dimple, her strong legs and arms and those stunning blue eyes? He joyfully knit these little people inside our wombs. He wants to be part of the continued process of co-creating with us as we steward their hearts, minds, bodies and spirits for this short time. Mommy Guilt (dare I say it?) is from THE DEVIL and it's intent is to distract us from the privilege and pleasure it is to be in communion with God as we carry out the most important role we'll ever have.

I, for one, have been in desperate need of this little pep talk, y'all. With selling the house, packing, moving, unpacking (sort of), being in my first trimester and Christmas, Mommy Guilt was creeping in like a hurricane. But, from here on, I'm going to trust Jesus. I'm going to give myself grace for this season. I'm going to pray for Laila as I doze on the couch and she watches the third in a row episode of Sid, the Science Kid. I know that God is with me. He's at work, molding her spirit, teaching her, speaking to her. What a beautiful truth. When I'm tired and grumpy and speechless, God will speak to my children. And His Word is perfect. His truth is sustaining. His grace is sufficient. For you and yours as well. Join me in this?

Love,
Chels

Coming to you LIVE from the cutest little technology EVER!

Hi!

I'm blogging from my brand new shiny iPad mini, my friends! What this means for you is that you'll be hearing from me a lot more often. I know this is a lame excuse but, used to... Hold on. I am absolutely sure that "used to" is not a grammatically correct way to refer to the past. But you don't mind, do you? I'm a Texan, you see. With an English degree. So maybe we'll allow it. This time.

Ahem. As I was saying, "used to", when I was only ever blogging from my computer, I felt like I had to have something really legitimate to say, something really meaningful or insightful or funny to justify the time it took to pull out the computer, plug it in, turn it on for heaven's sake... This does sound pretty lame. ANYWAY. Now, you'll be hearing from me even when there's nothing meaningful, insightful or funny to share.
There will most likely be musings. Lots of musings. Like these:

Today, I felt my first real and honest breast pain! Which makes me very hopeful that, this time around, something is actually going on in those milk ducts. Go, milk ducts, go!

Pregnancy fatigue is real. Very real. And, as I mentioned on Facebook, it's a BEAST. My poor sweet Laila Grace. I just keep telling myself that I'll make it up to her on that blessed and glorious day that marks the beginning of my second trimester. What a day that will be!

Also, pregnancy makes me crave kid food. Tonight, LG and I had the same dinner... PB&J sandwiches with white cheddar bunnies and strawberries. And, if I had had some in the house, I would have also had a big glass of whole milk. COW MILK. Oh, if I could just get my hands on some cow milk right now...

Lastly, I found myself overwhelmingly thankful for my mama tonight. What a self sacrificing beautiful woman she is. May I always remember and be grateful for the beastly pregnancy fatigue, weird cravings, hours and hours of labor and sleepless nights she endured on my behalf. And for the innumerable sacrifices she's made since. There are no words to truly express my heart on this matter.

So, this is what you have to look forward to from me, dear reader. Musings. With maybe some breast talk, some meal recap and some lovey dovey stuff thrown in for good measure!

Peace!

An Update. And some mushy feelings-type stuff.

Times like these bring out the best in relationships. They inspire empathy, the bearing of one another's burdens and sacrifices made on behalf of a friend.  Dear friends, I mean it so deeply from the bottom of my heart. Hear me when I say: THANK YOU. So many of you have reached out to us, prayed for us, asked questions out of your concern and care for us and have been generous with visits to the hospital, hugs, rides and sweet words. I speak for myself, my mom and dad, my brother and all of our family when I say that your support over the span of this now 11-year journey has been overwhelming and (let's be honest) absolutely crucial. 

We have felt the love of God through you. And you have proved Proverbs 17:17 to us over and over. "A friend loves at all times." How blessed we are. 

How about some history?

So, for those of you who are new to all of this, my dad was diagnosed with a gastro intestinal stromal tumor in 2001, my freshman year of college. (I know ya'll think my freshman year of college couldn't POSSIBLY have been 11 years ago but, trust me, it has... You are shocked, I know. It's all that Wal-Mart brand anti-wrinkle cream I've been using.) 

The tumor was/is occupying an important "nether region" as Chaucer would say... I usually whisper when I say it… The tumor is in his rectum.

At the time, he was told that the only option was surgery to remove it, as these types of tumors don't respond to radiation and, to date, there was no FDA approved chemotherapy drug on the market. The surgery, however, would most likely leave my dad with a colostomy. Pause and google that if you don't know what it is because you won't understand any of the rest of this if you don't. (I'm being bossy. I know.) Okay, you back? Got the info? Now you see why an active, spritely, YOUNG 41 year old wouldn't be keen on the idea. SO. My dad started researching (did we even have the Internet back then?) and found that there was an experimental drug called Gleevec that was being developed and was having success fighting GIST tumors. Being the go-getter that he is, he got on the phone with a doctor in Philadelphia and learned about the trial. It was too expensive, though, and our insurance wouldn't cover it. Not willing to give up, Dad visited the Texas Cancer Center and met Dr. Spivey, a local oncologist who was successfully treating chronic miloidal lukemia patients with Gleevec. Dr. Spivey consulted with the doctor in Philly and, miraculously, agreed to prescribe Gleevec to my dad "off label". There are SO many awesome doctors in this story. It's pretty impressive. Just count em. And then go hug a doctor.

 Anyway, naptime only lasts so long, ya'll. I gotta type fast.

So, for 8 glorious years, my dad had amazing success with Gleevec. He and his doctors agreed to leave the tumor in, provided that it remained stable (as in, no funny business) and didn't grow. It turns out, however, that our magnificent bodies learn to adapt and tumors apparently do the same. Gleevec stopped working. So he tried another drug that caused problems and finally got on Tasigna, another medicine that had been successful in treating GIST patients. 

For the last 2-3 years, though, the symptoms have been harder to deal with. Pain, pain. A lot of pain. And the amazing thing about my Papa is that he never complains. You have to practically BEG him to tell you how he feels and, even then, he will downplay. 

Something that is very interesting in all of this is the fact that I can relate. Remember that pesky little arterial rupture that happened to me when Laila was born? Well, all of the internal bleeding that happened as a result of that tear caused a softball sized hematoma to settle right at the base of my pelvis, just below my tail bone. So, for about 6 weeks, I had the unique opportunity of knowing almost exactly how my dad had felt for (at the time) 9 full years. Ya'll, let me just tell you, that junk HURT. And I cried (and screamed) every time I went to the bathroom and I sat down gingerly and I walked slowly... It was excruciating at times. And, I'll be honest about something. I was a hot mess. 

My father has dealt with that kind of pain and discomfort for 10 years. With the most beautiful grace and dignity. Never asking why. Never shaking his fist at God. Continuing to serve and be a blessing to others. And inspiring me. Every day.

So, let's fast forward to last week. Papa had been having more pain in the last few weeks and more symptoms.... Shortness of breath, etc, so he saw his doctor in Denton. After some tests, Dr. Masciarelli told him that his red blood cell count was too low and that he needed (yet another) colonoscopy. That was scheduled for last Friday. 

On Friday, at Denton Regional, Dr. Awan preformed the colonoscopy and found that the tumor had changed rather drastically. It appears to have grown, the texture of the surface has changed and it is now bleeding. He also found a bleeding ulcer in my dad's stomach (no doubt a result of the ibuprofen he takes to manage the tumor pain). Papa was bleeding internally from 2 places. Thus the low hemoglobin. He also had an unexplained fever. These findings turned what was supposed to be a routine colonoscopy outpatient procedure into an admittance to the hospital, close monitoring and a series of tests. The goal was to figure out the cause of the fever and to perform a CT scan and chest x-ray to determine whether the cancer cells had spread as a result of the bleeding tumor. 

In all these years, we have been SO blessed that the tumor has not metastasized. That the cancer has not spread. Waiting overnight with him for that CT and the results was... allow me to over simplify... hard. HARD. For all of us. 

How do you battle fear?

How do you reject it? Push it away? Give it no place? When what you are afraid of would break you in half, cause a part of you to die, utterly and completely change your life? 

I think God understands our struggle with fear. He is, oh God, thank you, an empathetic High Priest, knowing our weakness and anointing us with grace when we fall short. I know that His grace is sufficient to cover my lack of faith in those early morning hours. In the battles I've fought deep in the dark places of my heart. Oh God, you are good. You are deeply loving and endlessly faithful. 

There was no spread. Oh Hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus!

As far as the CT could tell, those evil cancer cells are still contained in this one area. They have not been allowed to attack the vital and precious organs that are dangerously near it. And, for that, we are... well, words cannot express... Grateful.

The tumor is still bleeding. The tumor is irrevocably changed. It seems that the grace period for my father to LIVE with this cancer inside has lifted and we are now talking about a life-changing surgery. His appointment at MD Anderson is Wednesday at 12:30. No doubt my parents and the doctors will discuss the removal of the tumor and all of the implications that come with it. 

And I know that my father will face this meeting and these life changes with the same beautiful grace and dignity with which he has dealt with the past 10 year's challenges. I know he will. He will continue to inspire all of us in this way. 

And he will know, again, what it is like to wake up without pain. 

Thank you for caring. Thank you for walking with us on this journey. Thank you for loving us. 

~Chels

 

A Public Service Announcement

... because I take my job here very seriously.

New Mommies, do not... I repeat... Do. Not. Neglect your annual dental cleanings and exams.

"Bor-ing", you say! "More examples of your mommy fails, Chels, more pictures of Laila, more merriment, more gingerbread lattes!"

I know, I know. I'm sorry to disappoint. This is not a fun topic, my friends, but neither was THIS:

What? You can't SEE the Hulk-like swelling on the left side of my face?! That is so strange because I certainly FEEL it. That's what 3 shots of Novocaine (or something like it!) will do for you!

No, this is not a fun blog topic, dear reader, but neither is one side of my face being numb from my chin to my eyebrows, trying to figure out how to blow my nose with only one functional nostril or dribbling iced tea (or better yet, drool) down my chin at any given moment. Neither is THAT.

So, with your best interest at heart, I'm writing this post to remind you that, even though it seems trivial, even though you THINK you're really good at brushing, flossing, etc., I'm here to tell you that missing those (at least) yearly dental exams will cost. In emotional distress, cold hard cash and pain and anguish.

Ok, well, thanks to modern analgesics, there wasn't TOO much pain and anguish but still. The emotional trauma of being told that I have 2 large cavities and 4 trouble spots was enough to make me want to go back in time, call a babysitter and GET TO THE DENTIST!!

Yes, I walked into that Dentist office two weeks ago feeling all suave, all cool, all I-havent-been-to-the-dentist-in-two-years-but-its-ok-cause-I-am-serious-about-dental-hygiene and got a major punch to the gut.

I'll repeat it just to further my point: Two (LARGE) cavities and Four Trouble Spots.

DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU, ladies!! Don't let it happen to you.

Turns out that pregnancy weakens your teeth, softens your bones and generally FEEDS cavities. Or something like that. Ya'll, I'm not a doctor. I just know this is true. I mean, I read articles from Baby Center. And stuff.

And then that BABY comes. That BABY makes it hard to find time to brush, floss and rinse with flouride twice a day. That BABY requires a babysitter! That BABY's naptime is the one break in your day and that delicious chocolate, those sugar cookies and yummy sweet tarts simply CRY out to you! Because you deserve the break! You have a BABY, for goodness sake! Can I get a witness?!

But, let's be honest, she's pretty cute so we won't hold all this against her. See?

Then:

 

Now:

Alright, do you get the picture? Go get those check-ups!
Laila and I will be happy to babysit.
After I clean the drool off my chin, of course.

Prewitt Family Dentistry, girls. Get there. And tell 'em I sent you!
1112 North Floyd Road
Richardson, TX 75080
(972).907.8157

(I met Dr. Prewitt at the park with our babies. She's precious AND she'll sing to you while you get your fillings. Bonus.)

Sorry for the un-fun post but, hey... at least I didn't talk about the election.
:) 

Monday Musings

There is something that I realized this morning I've never told you about. It's about Laila Grace (surprise surprise)...  Have I become one of those moms who only talks about her baby? Maybe so, my friends, but you can just smile and nod and think to yourself "bless her heart".

Laila LOVES music. I mean, she loves it. She especially likes if she can see the band playing. She loves being in church on Sunday morning and worshiping with our awesome praise band and she loves watching music videos that show the musicians rocking out. She loves to shimmy and wiggle and shake her little boo-tay. It's truly adorable.

She also loves playing music. She sings (into her princess microphone, pictured below), she drums, she plays the piano... and she writes her own lyrics.

(The pic is blurry because she just can't stop for a picture when the rhythm has a hold of her!) 

She writes songs about Jesus, about Trevor and I, about pasta (yes, despite all my praying, apparently, she inherited my love for carbs) and, yesterday, she wrote a song about how she wants a little house with a backyard, a garden and a little doggie... and then she added that she'd need another garden for her other doggie.  

When she sang that part, Trev looked a little downcast and my sweet sweet baby (have I ever led you to believe that she's anything but perfect??) said to him, "Daddy, what you sad about?" 

Which brings me to another thing I don't think I've told you about, dear readers. Its about (big sigh) our house. Our house. Which has been on the market since the end of January. The END OF JANUARY. Today is November 5. This means that we are weary. Weary, I tell you!! Weary of showings that require a TON of work, weary of waking Laila Grace up from naps, weary of spending long amounts of time away from the house (usually at Starbucks... ok, that part I don't mind so much) and weary of a little habit I've come to refer to as "stashing".

Which reminds me, if you've invited us to something and we didn't show up OR we showed up without RSVPing OR we showed up without a covered dish, its probably because, at some point, I stashed the invite before a showing and forgot to find it again. I mean, I've become really good at stashing but its the remembering to find stuff again that I have yet to master. I've stashed a lot of mail, my friends, but the lights are still on so, apparently, Trevor has sniffed out and paid all the bills. What would I do without him? He is definitely a keeper.

 
And he's cute too, no?

So, yes, Laila is singing about wanting a backyard and a garden and a doggie. None of which we can have in this house but that we really want to have in our next house... (Minus the doggie for Trev. She's going to really have to pull out the puppy face on that one.) 

(Sigh.)

BUT! (Ever the optimist...)

We had a showing yesterday and I'm waiting for feedback, checking my email every, oh, three minutes or so.

In the meantime, we will keep singing. And praying. And working on Trevor about the dog issue, planning our garden and counting our blessings.

Happy Monday, dear friends!