Friday, August 20

Shoulda Been A Cowboy

I have a future in country music. It's undeniable. See below.

1. Kristian Bush (of Sugarland), Uncle Kracker and I all share the same taste in sunglasses. Yes, we all sport the gold rimmed Cockpit Aviator Ray-Bans. See below.

(I'm crazy about Sugarland, by the way. And this video is hilarious.)

(The author of this blog does not agree with Uncle Kracker on a variety of matters, nor does she promote his music... just his taste in sunglasses.)

(Me - just before the baby was born.)

2. Brad Paisley and I both love paisley. Paisley Leather is my blog, my baby's room is pink paisley, it's his last name and he has sweet paisley guitars. See below.

3. A lady at the grocery store last week told me that I look like a young Trisha Yearwood. I took this as a compliment, of course, and politely thanked her. I can see what she means; our coloring, our cheek bones, our propensity toward chubbiness... However, I think we can all agree that that is not my nose. See below.

My nose looks more like this person's nose. See below.

Like how I wrapped up this perfectly mindless blog post with a photo of Laila Grace? Cause she's what really matters. Someday perhaps I'll seek fame and fortune through a shining career in country music. For now, though, I'll just keep singing to Laila... and look forward to the day when she sings along.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Thursday, August 12

The Day I Ran From the Girl Scouts

But, first, a word from our sponsors... AKA, another riveting series of lessons in the ongoing saga, Adventures in Motherhood!

1). Everyone... and I do mean everyone has an opinion. Laila's grandmothers, my grandmothers, random grandmothers, friends with babies, friends without babies, grocery store check out people, even the occasional bachelor friend seems to have an opinion. Controversial topics in which people feel the need to share their opinion include, but are not limited to:

a. Sleep Training: ie, To "let her cry it out" or to not "let her cry it out", that is the question.
b. Natural or Normal: ie, making one's own formula, wipes, baby toys, using cloth or disposable diapers, using only California Baby-no paraben-chemical free-sensitive skin-unscented baby wash or using the good ole Johnson and Johnson's, using organic cotton crib sheets or regular ole 100 thread count crib sheets from Target... the list goes on and on, my friends.
c. Vaccinations: No explanation needed but I will say, in all seriousness, that this one has me stumped. There are "experts" on both sides of the issue who act as though their way will save your child from early death! It's too much for me! I'm a bleary eyed, second guessing, opinion sorting new mom, people! I'm overwhelmed as it is!
d. The Use or Non-Use of the Pacifier and, for the record, we use it. Boy, do we. We use it with glee.

2). Murphy's Law Applies

Okay, so I'm actually not totally sure what Murphy's Law is. I just know people are always chalking things up to "Murphy's Law" and saying things like, "well, that's just Murphy's Law", etc. etc. Here's out it plays out in my life. No matter if she ate two hours ago, no matter if she already spit up half of what I fed her, no matter if she hasn't actually spit up in days, if I put Laila down on my gold silk duvet, she will spit up. Murphy's Law, people. Murphy's Law.

3). Vocabulary is Key.
For example, when I lay down with Laila at naptime and get really still and close my eyes, I'm simply modeling for her how it's done. It's not called "napping", my friends. It's called "Leading by Example". See? It's just a matter of using the right vocabulary.

And, now for the Girl Scout story.

On Monday, Laila and I needed to make a quick trip to Kroger. We only had a short grocery list and I expected to be in and out. No problem.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a big white tent and all manner of sashed and vested little girls loitering around. Having been a Girl Scout dropout myself, I immediately recognized the green and brown and, truly, who could mistake that tell tale Peter Pan hat that some of them wear? In true chubby girl fashion, my first thought was cookies and I wondered if I had any cash. Then, as I looked closer, I saw that there were none of those brightly colored boxes stacked up and no signs or posters announcing a cookie sale. Slightly dissapointed but eager to find a parking spot, I moved on, not giving those do gooding scouts another thought.

Laila and I parked, grabbed a basket and started out in the produce department like always. Well, by the time we got to the cereal aisle, I knew that Laila had done some Business in her diaper. Not only can I tell by the smell, which is kind of hideous (seriously, how does someone so adorable have the capacity to emit such a nasty odor?), but I can tell because Laila works, I mean, really works to accomplish this feat. I've asked the pediatrician and he said that she's not constipated... just dramatic (wonder where she gets that) and she never cries so I don't really worry about it anymore. Instead, I usually have to laugh... because, well, she turns red. Really red. Like, that baby in The Incredibles who turns into a fire ball.

When she's 12, nobody tell her I posted this picture on the Internet, okay?
You promise?

So... as you can see, it's kind of hard to miss.
Also, she really only goes once a day, sometimes only once every couple of days so it's always, hmm... how shall I say?... full. This is not one of those "just wait till we get home" kind of situations so, off we went to the Kroger restroom. I parked the buggy outside the door, threw the diaper bag over my shoulder, grabbed the car seat by the handle and opened the bathroom door. The little girl chitter chatter that I heard while I was parking the buggy ceased completely. Twelve little girl heads all turned from what they were doing and stared at me, one particularly pretty little blonde Scout standing in the middle of it all crying dramatically. Twenty four little eyes looked at me as if to say, "Excuse us! We're in the middle of something here!" I was literally shoo'ed by their expressions. I stared back at them for a moment, scanning the crowd for one who would be sympathetic to my cause and initiate the parting of the waters but no such little advocate was found. I was clearly on their turf and they weren't budging.
"Uh, sorry." I said, as I backed out the way I came in. As the door shut behind me, I noticed that the girls resumed their coddling of The Pretty One, patting her back, stroking her ponytail and saying, "It's going to be okay".

The scene took me back to my Elementary school days when there were definitely clearly established identities among us. There was a Pretty One, a Smart One, a Nerdy One, an Athletic One... and, just like in that Kroger bathroom, anytime drama befell the Pretty One, all of us Other Ones rushed to her aid, wanting to be the One who was most comforting, most helpful, truly, wanting to be the One who was most involved. I thought about how, in Elementary school, I was probably labeled the Nice One, which, as I considered it, wasn't too shabby. Lots of times I wished I was the Pretty One, the Well Dressed One or the Athletic One but that just wasn't my lot.

As I changed Laila's poopy diaper on the backseat of my car in the Kroger parking lot, I started to think about which One she might become. My hope is that she will be the Kind One, the Gracious One, the Funny One and the Loving One but, most importantly, I pray that God will show me how to teach her that her identity doesn't depend on what she's labeled or what others think of her. I pray that she will know her worth as a Daughter of the King, a precious Child of God and that she will love others in a way that helps them recognize that about themselves as well.

Whew. As a Mother/Daughter team, we have a lot ahead of us. I'm humbled by all that God is going to use me to teach her. God, equip us for this journey. Make me a godly leader as we go. Prepare the way, Lord. I'm trusting you. Hold my hand, Father... especially if she chooses to be a Girl Scout.


Friday, August 6

A Resolution regarding Water Balloons

Hello Pals. Happy Friday!

Today, I'm making a resolution. One I'd like to share with you.
This morning, I saw a commercial in which a mother and her children were having a water balloon fight. They looked like they were just livin it up; water splashing everywhere, laughter and sunshine, smiles all around... and I thought "Oh, isn't that nice..."

(Looks like fun, huh?)

and then...

Thirty minutes later, when I was driving down Skillman Ave toward my favorite Target, I had a startling realization. You have to really throw a water balloon at someone in order for it to pop. I mean, you have to put some muscle behind that thing! AND... if it doesn't pop, it kind of just hurts the person that you threw it at.
All of a sudden, the commercial wasn't so cute anymore. In fact, I thought, "That mom was totally rude!"

So, today I declare to you that I will never ever have a water balloon fight with my children. Laila and whoever else comes along, I can't guarantee that you'll never get hit with a water balloon but, little darlings, I can assure you that you'll never get hit with one thrown by me.

That is all.

Wednesday, August 4

Adventures in Babys... oops, I mean... I'm the Mom.

These are lessons I've learned since becoming a Mommy... brought to you (and me) courtesy of one Laila Grace Chapman.

1. Moms can steal anything.
If the police catch wind of this blog, don't worry, my friends... I'll be fine. I know a guy. So, up till now, I've unintentionally stolen one yellow bell pepper and one can of black beans. Those thieves who put things under their shirts or stash a pilfered item in their backpack are so elementary. Don't they know? All they have to do is put a baby in a car seat and put that car seat in the grocery cart. Whatever they want to steal they can just "accidentally" miss when they are putting their items on the conveyer belt at the checkout stand!

Now, in the case of yours truly, I promise that these items were stolen by actual accident... the simple truth being that I didn't realize until loading the car that the can of beans had rolled underneath the car seat and thereby didn't make it onto the conveyer belt. By that point, I had already loaded all the other groceries into the car and was heaving the car seat into the base in the awful Texas heat, while my child is fussing because she's had to grocery shop all morning and the cart is threatening to roll away and smash the Lexus parked next to me. Both times, I've just left the items in the cart and gone on with my pursuit of getting home before my child loses all patience and attempts a mutiny. (Attempts to mutinize? Hmm...)

Anyway, I saw this episode of Oprah once (I've seriously, maybe seen, like 6 episodes of Oprah in my entire life...) where these totally normal seeming suburban moms are kleptomaniacs under cover. I remember one woman explaining that she just became addicted to the rush of getting away with it. In the case of the black beans, I got into the car remembering this lady on Oprah and thinking... "Oooh, I got away with it!" but... then... it wasn't really that exciting to me. I think that's a good thing. So, I don't think this is going to become a habit. In fact, today, I was kind of ridiculous about checking every nook and cranny of my grocery cart. Still, a lesson learned. Moms can steal anything. So steal away, Moms! But don't tell 'em I told you how. (wink wink)

2. It is possible to truly, genuinely sing praises to the Lord with the back end of a pacifier in your mouth.

I'm speaking from experience. This totally happened to me. And the crazy part is... I have become so accustomed to having the back side of a pacifier in my mouth that I didn't even realize I was doing it! I was literally singing out loud... Only "Nothing but the blood" sounded like "nutting buh da bud".

3. When you think that you are literally physically incapable of getting out of bed one more time at 4am to rock the child that you just rocked to sleep at 3am, you're wrong. You are. You just get up and do it. I would like to say that you are miraculously filled with joy, compassion, empathy and energy when you get up to do it but that's not always quite right... Still, you do it. It's kind of amazing how something just rises up in you. I think it's something akin to grit. Like, when that boulder fell on that guy when he was hiking and he just chewed his own arm off. Yeah, grit like that!

4. When you're at the pediatrician's office and the form asks for the "Mother's Name", that's not your mother's name. That's your name.

Yes, my friends, I wrote "Donna Golden" and then I realized... Oh wait. I'm the mother. Dang. In that moment, it became really real to me and I almost cried. If pushing an 8 pound baby out of your body doesn't make you realize you're a mommy, going to the pediatrician's office sure will!

These are just a few of the lessons I've learned so far. Stay tuned for more lessons learned through the adventures of mommyhood!

Until then, I'll leave you with a bit more of the irresistible adorableness I experience everyday: