Wednesday, February 25
So, as I was saying, becoming a kid mom is a big deal.
A delightful, scary, wonderful, exciting and life-changing big deal.
So, naturally, a hashtag is in order.
I had another "becoming a #kidmom" moment today when someone asked me what sports we were signing up for.
Eloquently, I said "Um, huh?"
Add it to the list, my friends! Baby moms don't get asked about sports or dance or gymnastics or science club or computer class or cheer camp or any of those other "extra-curriculars".
So, yeah, there's that. Just prepare yourself. If you are approaching #kidmom-dom, questions about extra-curriculars are headed your way.
Also, there was that time I was minding my own business, just flipping some pancakes, when Laila asked me out of the blue...
wait for it...
"But Mommy!! HOW does the daddy put the baby seed INTO the mommy's tummy???"
Choke, cough, flip a pancake.
Take a deep breath. Flip a pancake.
Give self a mini pep-talk. You're a #kidmom now, Chapman. GET IT TOGETHER.
"Well, my love, THAT is a very good question..."
Stall, stall, flip a pancake... Look over the shoulder to see if she's still there. Yep. Still there. Irritated that I'm stalling (typical KID behavior)...
A little background for you, dear reader. We have SEVEN pregnant friends in our lives right now. Well, actually, three of the pregnant friends have given birth in the last few weeks so we now have 3 tiny babies and four pregnant mommies. For a super observant and analytical 4 year old like mine, this brings up all kinds of questions. So, the "Where do babies come from?" question came, like, 2 or 3 months ago. At that time, the conversation went something like...
LG: "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Me: "God! God gives us babies and they are precious gifts!"
LG: "Ok, great!"
A couple weeks later, after she had thought about it awhile, she asked...
LG: "So, God gives us babies but HOW does He give them to us?"
Me: "Well... see how Auntie's tummy is getting bigger and bigger? Remember how big (huge, gigantic, whale-like) Mommy's tummy got when Lydia was in there? So, we get babies from all the mommies' tummies!"
LG: "Oh! Ok, great!"
Me: (Yee-haw! I'm rocking this whole birds and the bees thing!)
A few days after that...
LG: "But, Mommy, HOW does the baby get into the mommy's tummy in the first place??"
Me: "Well, a baby seed grows..."
Interrupting - LG: "Mommy!! From where? What do you mean a baby seed?? Who waters it? Who feeds it? What does it look like??"
Me: "Uh, I think I hear Lydia crying..."
Me: "Okay, well, the daddy puts the baby seed in the mommy's tummy, see, uh, and then God plus the mommy's body waters it and feeds it and it grows! It's a really beautiful and wonderful thing!"
LG: "Ok, great! Maybe he puts the seed in her belly button! (giggling) That's silly!"
Me: (RUNNING AWAY. LETTING HER DRAW HER OWN CONCLUSIONS. RUNNING FAR FAR AWAY.)
SO that brings us to that morning... when I was flipping pancakes... and shiz was about to get REAL.
I put down the pancake flipper in order to communicate serious-ness.
"Okay, Laila Grace, I'm going to tell you. But, before I do, I want you to understand that this is VERY SPECIAL and that a LOT of other kids don't know about this. You can always talk to me and Daddy about it but you may not tell any other children about it, got it?" (See, I'm thinking of you, fellow #kidmoms... Don't worry, your time will come, but I don't want it to come any sooner than it should on account of my "convictions" about age-appropriate honesty and, lets face it, my big mouth.)
"AND ALSO, dear one, this is ONLY for a mommy and a daddy who are MARRIED to each other and who are GROWN UP, okay? Like, really grown up, like 30 years old, okay?"
I didn't really say that part about being 30 but ya'll know I was thinking it! I mean, can I get a witness??
Internal panic. THIS IS REAL LIFE.
"It's actually kind of silly, girlfriend, but the baby seeds are, get this, INSIDE the daddy's penis!"
"SO... the daddy... puts his penis... inside... the mommy's vagina... and that is the whole truth about how the baby seed gets in there... okay?"
At that point, Laila looked at me wide eyed and, with utter sobriety, said "Mommy, that sounds dangerous!"
"Yes, yes, Laila, it is. IT IS VERY DANGEROUS. NEVER EVER DO IT!!"
Actually, ya'll know I didn't say that. Because I'm all about the truth (obviously - eye roll) and we all know that the truth is that sex is super awesome and totally so much fun!!
Seriously, I love it.
So, instead, I said...
"Well, it can be, darling, if the two people aren't MARRIED and GROWN UP and in love with each other. IF they are married and grown up and in love with each other, it can be super fun."
Then, I smiled sweetly at her, walked back around to the stove and finished making pancakes. Taking deep breaths all the way.
My very observant and analytical 4 year old ate the pancakes happily and went on with her day. Amazingly, everything was ok and she wasn't traumatized and I wasn't traumatized (too much) and I wondered if it had even sunk in...
Until the next day when Laila declared that she was never EVER getting married because, "you know, the THING about the penis and the vagina???"
So I allowed myself a little giggle and she giggled too and I said "You might change your mind, lovie."
She vehemently assured me that she would not change her mind and I thought... #kidmom.
This is the stuff of becoming a #kidmom.
And I'm sure it is only the beginning.